You would assume that my growing up in a Christian home ensured that I understood how deeply loved I was by God, but it didn’t. Though I loved God, served Him, and was a committed follower of Jesus, I was still struggling with insecurity, fear, perfectionism, and people-pleasing at 32 years old. I saw God as One who loved me because He is love and was therefore obligated to. As One who tolerated me but was deeply disappointed.
Although my grandparents were missionaries and my parents served in the church, my dad was an alcoholic for most of my growing-up years, and I had no idea how severely that would distort my view of God as my Father. I couldn’t trust or depend on my earthly father, and as a result, I didn’t truly trust or depend on my Heavenly Father either. I didn’t hear my earthly father tell me he loved me, and somehow, I was unable to hear God tell me He loved me, even through His Word. This also affected my self-esteem. I didn’t feel I was worth loving by my earthly father, and I certainly didn’t feel worthy of being loved by a perfect and holy God.
I knew many scriptures about the love of God and believed them for others. I just couldn’t feel His love for me. Until… one day, as I was seeking the Lord, I heard Him say (not audibly, but in my heart) that He wanted to reveal Himself to me as my Father and that He wanted to show me how He saw me. Then He gave me two simple instructions: “Get My Word in your ears, and get My Word out of your mouth.” I knew what this meant: I was to listen to teachings by people who had experienced freedom and walked in the confidence of God’s love, and I needed to speak out loud what God said in His Word about His love for me and who I was in Christ.
I was desperate to know the love of God, so I began to do what He said to do consistently. About three months later I found myself feeling even more insecure and less loved than ever. I said, “Lord, I’ve been doing what you said, but I feel worse!” I was hoping He had a Plan B, but I heard nothing, so I continued to get His Word into my ears and His Word out of my mouth.
I’ll never forget a certain summer morning. It seemed like an ordinary weekday, but it turned out to be anything but. I don’t have the words to fully explain what took place, but the best way I can describe it is that it felt as though God removed the damaged lenses through with which I had seen Him and myself and replaced them with lenses through which I could clearly see Him for Who He truly was and who I was in Christ.
That moment changed my life forever! For the first time in 32 years, I knew—I truly knew—that God deeply loved me. Despite my issues and imperfections, He was genuinely delighted that I was His daughter and that He smiled over me. I knew that He was merciful and kind, not disappointed every time I made a mistake or failed. The Bible verses I had been pondering on were no longer only words written on the pages of the Bible; they were God speaking to me: “‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10). “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (I John 3:1)
I felt an incredible sense of confidence in who I was. Ephesians 2:10 became alive in me, “For we are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” So did Psalm 139:13-14, “For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
What took place that morning impacted the trajectory of my life. I’ve been able to do things in my life that exceeded my hopes and expectations. And twenty-five years later, I am still walking in the joy, confidence, and freedom of knowing that my Heavenly Father sincerely loves me and delights in me; and that when I fail, His mercy and kindness lift me up.
No matter how old you are or what you’ve walked through, God deeply loves you. And He wants you to be fully convinced that He does. He not only designed you on purpose and gave you gifts, but He has a plan for you that is good and worth pursuing! As you read the Bible verses below, I pray that you will hear God speaking to you…
“But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:4-7
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
“But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15
“And God showed his love for us by sending his only Son into the world, so that we might have life through him. This is what love is: it is not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the means by which our sins are forgiven.” I John 4:9-10
Written By Kimberly Dirmann
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